I have been in such a funk lately. It's all work, but it's spilling over into my life. I spend my time at the office frustrated and/or exhausted. I have been at my current job for 6 years and 4 months. That's roughly 6 years, 3 months and 1 week after the moment I realized that the enviroment is toxic and I needed to plan my escape route. Even with all the insanity, my boss who I answer directly to was a wonderful boss. He has turned into a completely different person I can't stand to be near. I really spend my days resisting the urge to scream and punch. I think I may be possessed by an over-sugared, under-napped three-year-old. I think I may also be fighting control of my body from a pre-teen. I have seriously started putting my thumbs together and pointing my fingers to the sky while saying, "whatever". I realize that this isn't appropropriate behavior. I understand that there are certain folks who think I'm "lucky to have a job". Those folks are idiots.
I am not the kind of person who lets stupid things stick in my head, but here I am annoyed. I'm not sure, but I think that's why my stomach hurts and I can't concentrate and my head hurts and I'm so cranky. It can't possibly be PMS every blessed day for six months solid. I feel overworked and underappreciated and while I recognize that short of starting my own company, I may always feel that way, I plan on feeling that way somewhere else. I have a job interview tomorrow and hopefully a few more soon. I have cleaned up my résumé and and ready to start the next job. Hopefully one that won't leave me frustrated and sleepless.
Is it so much to ask that work stays at work and while at home I get to enjoy the wonderful people in my family? I hope not. If so, I may quit working. I'll be helping the unemployment rate because they're going to need at least two people to replace me.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Still Bananas...
Where to start? It's a new year and I'm thinking fresh start.
I'm not in the habit of making resolutions. Resolutions are something people say while drunk and desperate and forget about for 51 weeks until they are drunk and desperately counting down again. I have been thinking a lot about what I want out of my life and what it would take on my part to make those things happen. I have discovered several things about myself in this process.
The first thing I've discovered is that I'm content. This is not to say I am perfect and don't recognize my flaws, rather it may be a flaw in itself. I have everything I need. I want for nothing. In the great scheme of life, I am exactly where a large number of people will spend their whole lives trying to get to. Thing is, contentment leaves me with no ambition. I'm cool with that for the most part, but sometimes I annoy myself. Currently I work at a job that leaves me worn out and/or pissed off, depending on the day. I used to really enjoy my job and I've tried to make it better, but I'm just really over it. I'm at the end of this bad relationship, I'm just not sure how to break it off. It seems that even in my discontent, I'm content. So my first step in improving my life is to figure out what I want to do career-wise so I can move in that direction and not just passively job search for whatever is available.
While watching television, I saw a commercial for bariatric surgery. I picked up my smart phone and looked at their website where I discovered thing two about me. When I put my height and weight into their little app, it told me I am morbidly obese. That was a slap in the face. I am not under any illusion that I am thin; I am aware that I'm fat. Still, "Morbidly Obese" stings a little and makes me sad. I recognize that I need to lose weight. I have never really tried to be thin. I have mad efforts to eat better and get some exercise, but I have never made a concerted effort to attain a healthy weight. The reason I've never tried is because it requires a life-long commitment. Fat people can't just go on a diet because the second they go off the diet, they go back to being fat. I'm still not sure that I'm willing to make that life-long effort to be thin. I know all the good that can come of it, but I'm scared to fail which makes me scared to try. Also, I finally have in my closet only clothes that fit. Gaining or losing will only force me to get more clothes. *sigh* I'm not sure what I'm actually going to do in terms of what steps to take, but I'm going to try convince myself to make that life-long commitment.
I'm going to make time for the things I like. I like to write, but I never seem to do it. I'm going to try to keep this blog going. I was quite good about keeping one on MySpace, but I haven't logged in there in months. I like learning guitar, but I don't make the time to sit down and practice. I waste a lot of time doing nothing. I'm not sure why I sit and watch TV instead of doing things I like. Most of the time, I don't even like the shows I watch. I am going to make time for productive, fun things and not just things that suck up all my time with no reward.
Recently I have made more time for baking. I have all kinds of neat tools to indulge my hobby. Tonight I made banana muffins with caramel glaze. Chris ran another 5K and brought home more bananas. I mashed them up, measured them and discovered I had enough for five batches of muffins. Fortunately, my new mixer made all five batches at one time. I got tired at the end so the glaze wasn't exactly per directions. I didn't let it cool or put it in a bag and decoratively drizzle it on the muffins. I took the wisk and kinda let the stuff fall as it would all over the muffins and the aluminum pan I put them in. They're ugly, but they smell awesome. And...I didn't even spaz over it. I just went to work and got it done. I'm getting better. At least that's what I tell myself.
Being me is easy. Being a better me may take some work, but I'm thinking Better Me is worth the effort.
I'm not in the habit of making resolutions. Resolutions are something people say while drunk and desperate and forget about for 51 weeks until they are drunk and desperately counting down again. I have been thinking a lot about what I want out of my life and what it would take on my part to make those things happen. I have discovered several things about myself in this process.
The first thing I've discovered is that I'm content. This is not to say I am perfect and don't recognize my flaws, rather it may be a flaw in itself. I have everything I need. I want for nothing. In the great scheme of life, I am exactly where a large number of people will spend their whole lives trying to get to. Thing is, contentment leaves me with no ambition. I'm cool with that for the most part, but sometimes I annoy myself. Currently I work at a job that leaves me worn out and/or pissed off, depending on the day. I used to really enjoy my job and I've tried to make it better, but I'm just really over it. I'm at the end of this bad relationship, I'm just not sure how to break it off. It seems that even in my discontent, I'm content. So my first step in improving my life is to figure out what I want to do career-wise so I can move in that direction and not just passively job search for whatever is available.
While watching television, I saw a commercial for bariatric surgery. I picked up my smart phone and looked at their website where I discovered thing two about me. When I put my height and weight into their little app, it told me I am morbidly obese. That was a slap in the face. I am not under any illusion that I am thin; I am aware that I'm fat. Still, "Morbidly Obese" stings a little and makes me sad. I recognize that I need to lose weight. I have never really tried to be thin. I have mad efforts to eat better and get some exercise, but I have never made a concerted effort to attain a healthy weight. The reason I've never tried is because it requires a life-long commitment. Fat people can't just go on a diet because the second they go off the diet, they go back to being fat. I'm still not sure that I'm willing to make that life-long effort to be thin. I know all the good that can come of it, but I'm scared to fail which makes me scared to try. Also, I finally have in my closet only clothes that fit. Gaining or losing will only force me to get more clothes. *sigh* I'm not sure what I'm actually going to do in terms of what steps to take, but I'm going to try convince myself to make that life-long commitment.
I'm going to make time for the things I like. I like to write, but I never seem to do it. I'm going to try to keep this blog going. I was quite good about keeping one on MySpace, but I haven't logged in there in months. I like learning guitar, but I don't make the time to sit down and practice. I waste a lot of time doing nothing. I'm not sure why I sit and watch TV instead of doing things I like. Most of the time, I don't even like the shows I watch. I am going to make time for productive, fun things and not just things that suck up all my time with no reward.
Recently I have made more time for baking. I have all kinds of neat tools to indulge my hobby. Tonight I made banana muffins with caramel glaze. Chris ran another 5K and brought home more bananas. I mashed them up, measured them and discovered I had enough for five batches of muffins. Fortunately, my new mixer made all five batches at one time. I got tired at the end so the glaze wasn't exactly per directions. I didn't let it cool or put it in a bag and decoratively drizzle it on the muffins. I took the wisk and kinda let the stuff fall as it would all over the muffins and the aluminum pan I put them in. They're ugly, but they smell awesome. And...I didn't even spaz over it. I just went to work and got it done. I'm getting better. At least that's what I tell myself.
Being me is easy. Being a better me may take some work, but I'm thinking Better Me is worth the effort.
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