Doing Time

It finally happened. I am doing time in Facebook jail. I think I'm about halfway through my 24 hours. You may be wondering what awful things I've done that would warrant my punishment. All I know is that Facebook has no sense of humor, their algorithm doesn't understand nuance and hypothetical violence isn't actual plotting. My first warning was for calling a stupid cunt a stupid cunt. Warning 2 was for saying I'd beat Spam Likely's ass. I think we all know I couldn't beat a robodialer if I had the energy or desire to find it. I don't. At all. The third strike and reason for my banishment I can almost understand, but not really. I suggested running over or possibly shooting the person attacking cars. There was a video in Laredo, where I have family, of this guy jumping on the hood of an suv and Hulk smashing the windshield. Now as a logical, middle class, bleeding heart American, I worry about his health and safety. As someone who loves my family, if it's him or the ones I love, Adíos Felicio! So try not to miss me too much today. I still think you're funny, I love your picture, I care about your kiddies and wish you all the best in this journey of life... at least the parts about which you post. Hasta tomorrow!

December

I keep saying I'm not going to buy anything for Christmas. I'm a liar. I've bought all kinds of stuff for all kinds of people and I still need to get the boy and the husband gifts. I made list of things I'll eventually buy myself. Feel free to use it for ideas. My birthday is coming up. Forty-five. *sigh* Funny... I don't *feel* like an adult. Merry Christmas. Please stay safe.

The Spider can Bite Me

At my new job, we have two chaplains who come visit us. They are very friendly and go around the building speaking to each person asking if we're ok and if we need anything. I always talk to them even though everything is fine and I don't have anything I need them to pray for, I like that they really seem to listen. Last time the male chaplain was visiting, he asked if I wanted a Daily Bread. Being especially fond anything that sounds like carbs, I said I did. It turns out it's a little booklet that has a page a day to read. Each day has its own little lesson and suggested Bible passage for further study. I have never been much of a Bible reader, except for high school when I took Biblical Literature I & II. I put the little booklet aside and meant to recycle it later. Then on Friday I was tired and didn't feel like "working" working so I started tidying up my desk and found the booklet. I opened to the middle and started reading. There was a short passage about a lady who saw a spider in her house and was going to put it outside, but it was huge and she was frozen in fear. It didn't say if she managed to get moving and catch the bugger or if it just crawled under the door into the garage. Somehow the lesson was not to be afraid with God on your side. I wondered what the lesson would have been if the spider had bitten her. I then started laughing long and loud. People asked, but I thought it was one of those things that would only be funny if you were related to me...and iffy even then.

I keep coming back to the question of lessons. What am I supposed to learn? Have there been things I was supposed to learn and somehow missed the lesson? I suspect I have, especially at work. There was another passage about work being for the glory of God. It's mostly about attitude. But when I look at what I do and what good it does, the word "glory" does not make an appearance. I feel like I'm just kind floating along without purpose. My husband has a book I'm supposed to read about the purpose-driven life or something about the work I love. I can't find the motivation to even start these books. For one, I doubt I'll find my purpose and two, he read them and still has the same job. I'm not opposed to him keeping his job. Actually I think it's quite good because I've become accustomed to our lifestyle.

I spend a lot of time wondering "what if?, less than I used to, but more than I should. I've accomplished nothing in my wondering, other than wasting time and making myself crazier. I'm thinking about where I'm going next. I'd like to do some kind of work that benefits people who don't suck. Non-profit stuff, maybe for kids or old folks. I don't have a lot of doubt, just an uncertainty as to how to maneuver to the next stage. Do I pick up the spider with a cup and a newspaper, sweep it out with a broom or go in bare-handed and risk the bite?

The Boy (and Me)

The Boy started high school on Monday. He's loving it. I'm not sure when they started allowing babies in high school. I could swear that just last week he was 4 years old. *sigh* He also got his permit on his birthday and drives us around any time we let him. He's better than I was starting out, but it's a good thing we have a year to improve before sending him solo. Football is going well. He's starting offense and defense. He's had a couple of scrimmages, but the first game is Thursday. Also breakfast with the coach is Thursday.

The Husband and I are bonified boosters and that's a perk, breakfast with the coach. I'm not sure how perky I'll feel come 6:30 a.m., but I really want to go and say, "Hi, I'm Alex's mom." so he can say, "Yes, Alex. He's a good kid, works hard, glad to have him on the team." And he will. This isn't a fantasy, it's pretty much how football related talks go with coaches. Perhaps it's living in Texas, but we have become football fanatics. We have dreams of the NFL, in fact, in our minds, it's pretty much a given. While watching the draft this year, I was looking at the families and I told my boy, "Don't worry, I will not wear a dress that ugly when you're drafted." And he said, "Thanks for saying 'when' and not 'if"." As if I would say "if".

You may think pride goeth before the fall, but that's not it. We know it's a one in a million shot, but it's the same shot everyone else has. I watched that boy raise $800 mowing lawns this summer so he can buy a car next year. He's willing to work for what he wants. He may not get there, but he has my full support in his efforts. He says if the NFL doesn't work out, he'll start applying to law schools. I have no problem standing behind that either.

Soon, he'll be dating and before I know what's hit me, he'll be graduating high school and going off to college. Along the way, I've constantly reminded myself to be in the now because I knew it would go by fast. I think it helped a little, but not enough. I miss the days of having my kid in my lap watching Yu-Gi-Oh. As much as I love the young man he's become, I miss my baby.

I can't bring those times back so I'm looking forward. SAT prep, missed curfews, skanky girlfriends... Bring it! This year's football motto is "Be about it." There's no 'I' in Team, but there is one in "I will put my foot up your ass." Team Mom. I'm all about it.

Venting Session

I have been in such a funk lately.  It's all work, but it's spilling over into my life.  I spend my time at the office frustrated and/or exhausted.  I have been at my current job for 6 years and 4 months.  That's roughly 6 years, 3 months and 1 week after the moment I realized that the enviroment is toxic and I needed to plan my escape route.  Even with all the insanity, my boss who I answer directly to was a wonderful boss.  He has turned into a completely different person I can't stand to be near.  I really spend my days resisting the urge to scream and punch.  I think I may be possessed by an over-sugared, under-napped three-year-old.  I think I may also be fighting control of my body from a pre-teen.  I have seriously started putting my thumbs together and pointing my fingers to the sky while saying, "whatever".  I realize that this isn't appropropriate behavior.  I understand that there are certain folks who think I'm "lucky to have a job".  Those folks are idiots.

I am not the kind of person who lets stupid things stick in my head, but here I am annoyed.  I'm not sure, but I think that's why my stomach hurts and I can't concentrate and my head hurts and I'm so cranky.  It can't possibly be PMS every blessed day for six months solid.  I feel overworked and underappreciated and while I recognize that short of starting my own company, I may always feel that way, I plan on feeling that way somewhere else.  I have a job interview tomorrow and hopefully a few more soon.  I have cleaned up my résumé and and ready to start the next job.  Hopefully one that won't leave me frustrated and sleepless. 

Is it so much to ask that work stays at work and while at home I get to enjoy the wonderful people in my family?  I hope not.  If so, I may quit working.  I'll be helping the unemployment rate because they're going to need at least two people to replace me.

Still Bananas...

Where to start?  It's a new year and I'm thinking fresh start.

I'm not in the habit of making resolutions.  Resolutions are something people say while drunk and desperate and forget about for 51 weeks until they are drunk and desperately counting down again.  I have been thinking a lot about what I want out of my life and what it would take on my part to make those things happen.  I have discovered several things about myself in this process.

The first thing I've discovered is that I'm content.  This is not to say I am perfect and don't recognize my flaws, rather it may be a flaw in itself.  I have everything I need.  I want for nothing.  In the great scheme of life, I am exactly where a large number of people will spend their whole lives trying to get to.  Thing is, contentment leaves me with no ambition.  I'm cool with that for the most part, but sometimes I annoy myself.  Currently I work at a job that leaves me worn out and/or pissed off, depending on the day.  I used to really enjoy my job and I've tried to make it better, but I'm just really over it.  I'm at the end of this bad relationship, I'm just not sure how to break it off.   It seems that even in my discontent, I'm content.  So my first step in improving my life is to figure out what I want to do career-wise so I can move in that direction and not just passively job search for whatever is available.

While watching television, I saw a commercial for bariatric surgery.  I picked up my smart phone and looked at their website where I discovered thing two about me.  When I put my height and weight into their little app, it told me I am morbidly obese.  That was a slap in the face.  I am not under any illusion that I am thin; I am aware that I'm fat.  Still, "Morbidly Obese" stings a little and makes me sad.  I recognize that I need to lose weight.  I have never really tried to be thin.  I have mad efforts to eat better and get some exercise, but I have never made a concerted effort to attain a healthy weight.  The reason I've never tried is because it requires a life-long commitment.  Fat people can't just go on a diet because the second they go off the diet, they go back to being fat.  I'm still not sure that I'm willing to make that life-long effort to be thin.  I know all the good that can come of it, but I'm scared to fail which makes me scared to try.  Also, I finally have in my closet only clothes that fit.  Gaining or losing will only force me to get more clothes.  *sigh*  I'm not sure what I'm actually going to do in terms of what steps to take, but I'm going to try convince myself to make that life-long commitment.

I'm going to make time for the things I like.  I like to write, but I never seem to do it.  I'm going to try to keep this blog going.  I was quite good about keeping one on MySpace, but I haven't logged in there in months.  I like learning guitar, but I don't make the time to sit down and practice.  I waste a lot of time doing nothing.  I'm not sure why I sit and watch TV instead of doing things I like.  Most of the time, I don't even like the shows I watch.  I am going to make time for productive, fun things and not just things that suck up all my time with no reward.

Recently I have made more time for baking.  I have all kinds of neat tools to indulge my hobby.  Tonight I made banana muffins with caramel glaze.  Chris ran another 5K and brought home more bananas.  I mashed them up, measured them and discovered I had enough for five batches of muffins.  Fortunately, my new mixer made all five batches at one time.  I got tired at the end so the glaze wasn't exactly per directions.  I didn't let it cool or put it in a bag and decoratively drizzle it on the muffins.  I took the wisk and kinda let the stuff fall as it would all over the muffins and the aluminum pan I put them in.  They're ugly, but they smell awesome.   And...I didn't even spaz over it.  I just went to work and got it done.  I'm getting better.  At least that's what I tell myself.

Being me is easy.  Being a better me may take some work, but I'm thinking Better Me is worth the effort.

B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

Occasionally I like to buy bright yellow bananas.  Chris, Alex and I all like them, but we never seem to like them fast enough.  Invariably, the skins will get dark marks an no one will want to eat them.  At that point, it's a waiting game.  I have to allow the the dark spots to get bigger and the fruit to get softer so they become suitable for baking something tasty.  It's a tricky game because I can wait longer for baked goods than my husband can wait to have a clear counter.  Two weeks ago, he took my two perfect for baking bananas and threw them away.  I was not happy about that.  I ranted about the waste, about patience, about communication.  I would not throw away his things.  Why did he feel it necessary to throw away my bananas?  I could tell he did not feel my pain, but he did apologize..

Fast-forward a week and we're back in the kitchen.  Chris had just returned from running a 5K and Alex and I had just returned from getting him registered for school.  Chris proudly says, "Look what I brought you!" He brought home a big bunch of bananas leftover from the 5K.  They were yellow with green so I have had to wait.  It's been terrible.  I see them on the counter and they mock me.  I can sense their banana thoughts taunting me:  Just look at us all yellow and yet dark.  I bet that heat made us so soft and sweet.  I bet you wish you had time to do something with us.  If you don't, Chris will come throw us away.  Such a waste.  Such a shame.

Everyday that I came home and didn't bake felt like a small failure.  I baked Friday night so Chris could take a cake to the runners club, but he left it at home Saturday and Sunday.  I grudgingly took it to work today.  I showed him.  Someone was going to enjoy those damn bananas in the form of tasty baked goods.

I baked two more cakes tonight - one at the Grapevine Police Department.  I drove it over there to show my appreciation...and because I'm running out of sources to take my banana cakes.  I've taken three to work in the past month.  They love them, but I don't want them to get tired of them.  I walked in, cake box in hand, and asked the officer at the front desk if I could offer Grapevine's finest a cake.  She unlocked the door and took my license.  The copy machine was less than 10 feet from the door, but the door closed behind her and I waited for what seemed like a very long time.  I think she ran my license through the computer.  She came back through a door further down the hallway, returned my license and took the cake with a word of thanks.

I still have a cake cooling.  I'm not sure what to do with it.  Maybe the Fire Department likes cake.  Maybe I'll drop it by the church.  Cake should not require this much thought.  I accused my husband of mocking me with those bananas in revenge of my rant.  He said he was just trying to be nice.  He said that I could throw them away because they were free and going to end up in the trash had he not brought them home so no loss.  My husband is a wonderful man who only wants to see me happy, but after three years of marriage, I still don't think he fully comprehends how jacked up my mind is.  I couldn't just throw away those bananas. They were good for something and I was going to make good of them. 

I made a trip to the grocery store this week to get the stuff for the cakes and a second trip because I didn't realize I was out of walnuts.  I made third trip to the craft store for cake boxes.  I spent hours on my feet mixing and icing.  I invested time, precious gas and money for those bananas.  Throw them away?  Throw them away!?! What are you?  Crazy?  Yes.  Yes, I am.