This is me whining. You may want to skip it

Alex has practice football Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, with games on Saturday.  Now he's joined Cub Scouts so my Wednesdays have gone out the window.  I don't have time for myself anymore.  It's not like I took hours at the beauty parlor and nail salon, but I find it hard even getting to Walmart for milk and whatnot.  Monday is my only flop day so I flop.  It feels like a waste of time, but I need the break.  It's only another couple of months, provided the team keeps winning.  I like football and I like that Alex is improving.  I like going to the games on Saturday.  I just wish had more than one day a week to relax.  I can't even remember what it's like to go anywhere by myself.  I remember I used to be able to go out and do stuff, but I don't know how.  I used to love the days when I could go see a movie by myself or do a little clearance shopping without hearing, "Mommy-can-you-buy-me-this?" like that's my tribal Indian name.  I'm usually rather social.  I'm not sure where this is coming from, but I know I need time to just not deal.  There's no privacy, no solitude, no moments of nothing.  It's always something.  And something is usually costing me money.  I think I need a vacation.  Maybe just a weekend to relax.  I can't have one until Thanksgiving, but I want it anyway.  And next month the Scouts are going camping.  I have to go buy a tent and check the football schedule.  We'll have to leave the campsite so Alex can play football on Saturday and then go back to camping.  I'm sure that's not how normal people go camping.  Of course, I never claimed to be normal and I can't say that I'm raising the boy to be normal either.  On behalf of Bad Parents everywhere, I would like to graciously accept the my Golden Paddle Award...  A tad dramatic, I know.  I'll thank the Academy later.  More and more I feel tired..  I'm just worn out.  Maybe I need a vitamin.  Perhaps sleep or more vegetables.  I need balance.  I always need my family, work and something else.  Something else usually entails me doing something positive for not-me.  I need to feel like I'm contributing to something.  I dunno if it's all those weekends mom volunteered us for the church bake sales, rummage sales and bingo...  It could be the Mandatory Volunteer hours that Andrean made us put in to graduate...  Either way, it's become part of how I see myself.  I give.  I do.  I take the time.  Not lately though.  Not in quite some time, really.  Anymore, I go to work.  the end.  I don't feel like what I do matters beyond paying the bills.  You get what you give.  I haven't been giving.  So look what I've got.  I don't like leaving this up in the air, but I don't have anywhere to put it just now. 

What's in a name?

The Eagles were scrimmaging against the Buccs tonight. I was sitting in my chair, sipping my diet Dr Pepper when I heard the Buccs' coach say, ""Way to go, Amadeus!" Amadeus? Really?  No.... Really now.  Really!?  He didn't look Austrian to me. 

It got me to thinking about names in general. Kris read The Omen when she was 12 and decided my nephew would be named "Damien" at least 10 years before she even met his father. I don't know if anyone remembers the "Dracula: the series", but the lead character's name was Alexander Lucard. I liked it so much, I used it for my only son. Alexander, not Lucard. His middle name, Catarino, is for my grandfather who died when I was still pregnant. Would anyone like to share the Why of their child(ren)'s name(s)? (present of future!)

Pass the sprinkles

Crybaby fat women make me want a donut so bad!  I don't know why, but I was watching Tyra tonight.  She had 2 fat chicks with self-esteem issues. Tiresome!  "Boo hoo!  I'm so fat!"; Get the hell over it.

Kris says I'm gonna burn in hell.  She said when I die and realize that I'm sizzling, not to wonder why.  I don't wonder.  I'm hilarious.  As long as I get a highlight reel of the evil things I've said, pass the butter and flip my happy ass over so I burn evenly. 

Evil Footage I'd like to watch:
(to the question to whiny fat woman, ""what does your body look like?"") It looks fat.
(to the woman at Bakers Square coughing up a lung) Have another cigarette!
(in general when trying to park) Damn cripples
(why I don't feel bad about talking shit to dumbasses) I didn't make her stupid.
(on why I take parking spaces for expectant mothers) I'm a mother.
(on why I don't contribute to charities) God knows I'm broke.
(on why I'm not in Church Sundays) God knows where I am.

In the end I hope my good acts balance out the bad.  God knows I'd rather eat my donut and watch Cindy's Funniest Smartass Videos.

It's good to be happy

I'm so happy lately that I don't know how to describe it.  First we had lunch and became friends.  I looked at the man across the table and wondered, ""why can't I find a guy like that?"" Duh.  Once I realized that I could keep my friend and have a wonderful boyfriend, happiness naturally followed.   I'm so satisfied with our relationship.  I don't expect anything....good or bad.  I just enjoy the time we have together and look forward to the next time.  I feel like I have the best guy I could possibly find.  The BEST, not just the best I can do right now.  Sometimes I wonder if he'll wise up and see that he's too good for me. 

I can't believe how much time I've wasted on relationships that have gone nowhere.  It's ridiculous how hard I've fought to keep men who I had no business being with to begin with.  I  thought that if I tried hard enough, or gave enough of myself that it could all work out.  I'm such a retard. 

It absolutely amazes me is how easy it is to be with Chris.  It's so comfortable.  At first, I told myself to hold back and wait and see.  I told myself that a couple of months isn't long enough to know.  But I'm going with it.  I know this will sound cliche, but I've never felt like this about anybody- not ever.  I think about the saying about how God brings people into your life when you're ready.  Maybe I just had to suffer through the freaks and weirdos so I can appreciate the real thing.  I have it.

Late last night and the night before...

My brain is full of everything and nothing.  I find moments like this are the best and worst time to blog.  I never know what I'll come up with.  Things just swim around in my head like a tank full of guppies.  And I hear songs in my head.  I have music going in there pretty much all the time.  If the Tommyknockers tried to read my mind it would be like the woman with the nursery rhymes or the guy with the steel plate.

Leland and Chris were in the office at the same time today and said hello to each other.  In that moment it occurred to me that I never properly introduced them.  Shame on me.  Fortunately, they're both  aware of how I am sometimes. 

At some point, I need to go shopping.  Now this point isn't going to happen until I have some money, but it has to happen.  Every year I wait to buy Christmas presents and every year I can't get everyone stuff.  I'm very lucky to be surrounded by people who aren't big on stuff, but I like to get people things I think they'll like.  I'd be much better at this gift-giving thing if I had more money.  Kris put ""winning lottery ticket"" on the list of things we need to get when we go out for milk and toilet paper.  So it's on my list of thing-a-do, now I just have to do it. 

I don't have a long weekend until Thanksgiving.  I'd very much like to see my parents and eat their food.  I was tossing around the idea of taking Chris to meet the old folks.  I don't know.  It's weird.  I'm not in the habit of introducing people to the old folks.  I don't know what's appropriate.  I know the uncles were always bringing the latest girlfriend over and I'd wonder, ""Why?""  And Mom didn't like the whole deal.  I dunno if a four day weekend is an ideal time, but I don't know about driving eight hours for a regular one.  I still have to think about it.  And ask Chris if he wants to meet my crazy family.  No one ever believes I'm the normal one until they meet the rest of the familial unit.  They're nuts.  And getting nuttier.  Juana told me today that Mom and Dad took Eric to Six Flags in San Antonio....and Dad rode all the rides.  I cannot picture it.  I can sorta picture him getting in the truck and driving there.  Sorta.  But I truly cannot imagine the old man getting buckled into a roller coaster seat. 

My brain is tired and feels deflated.  More ramblings later.

The weekend is over

The first official game of the season was Saturday.  Eagles won 30 - 0.  It was fun to watch...unless you were the Broncos.  During half-time a large, brown hawk was circling in the sky above the trees.  One of the boys said, ""Look!  An eagle!""  No one corrected him.

Afterward, we went to Chris's house and stayed there until tonight around 8:00 p.m.  We enjoyed his generous hospitality.  We played in the pool, went out to eat and hung out watching wrestling.  Good times!

I really don't want to go to work tomorrow.   I just don't know how I can make it through another day of drama and nonsense.  I've tried to keep up a positive attitude, but I'm just not feeling it.  I don't want to be one of those people who works just to make it to the next weekend.  Walking up the front steps in the morning has started to feel like a punishment.  I probably need to stop and evaluate what I'm doing versus what I want to do.  Just taking a cursory look, they don't seem to match.