Kris says I'm gonna burn in hell. She said when I die and realize that I'm sizzling, not to wonder why. I don't wonder. I'm hilarious. As long as I get a highlight reel of the evil things I've said, pass the butter and flip my happy ass over so I burn evenly.
Evil Footage I'd like to watch:
(to the question to whiny fat woman, ""what does your body look like?"") It looks fat.
(to the woman at Bakers Square coughing up a lung) Have another cigarette!
(in general when trying to park) Damn cripples
(why I don't feel bad about talking shit to dumbasses) I didn't make her stupid.
(on why I take parking spaces for expectant mothers) I'm a mother.
(on why I don't contribute to charities) God knows I'm broke.
(on why I'm not in Church Sundays) God knows where I am.
In the end I hope my good acts balance out the bad. God knows I'd rather eat my donut and watch Cindy's Funniest Smartass Videos.
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