At my new job, we have two chaplains who come visit us. They are very friendly and go around the building speaking to each person asking if we're ok and if we need anything. I always talk to them even though everything is fine and I don't have anything I need them to pray for, I like that they really seem to listen. Last time the male chaplain was visiting, he asked if I wanted a Daily Bread. Being especially fond anything that sounds like carbs, I said I did. It turns out it's a little booklet that has a page a day to read. Each day has its own little lesson and suggested Bible passage for further study. I have never been much of a Bible reader, except for high school when I took Biblical Literature I & II. I put the little booklet aside and meant to recycle it later. Then on Friday I was tired and didn't feel like "working" working so I started tidying up my desk and found the booklet. I opened to the middle and started reading. There was a short passage about a lady who saw a spider in her house and was going to put it outside, but it was huge and she was frozen in fear. It didn't say if she managed to get moving and catch the bugger or if it just crawled under the door into the garage. Somehow the lesson was not to be afraid with God on your side. I wondered what the lesson would have been if the spider had bitten her. I then started laughing long and loud. People asked, but I thought it was one of those things that would only be funny if you were related to me...and iffy even then.
I keep coming back to the question of lessons. What am I supposed to learn? Have there been things I was supposed to learn and somehow missed the lesson? I suspect I have, especially at work. There was another passage about work being for the glory of God. It's mostly about attitude. But when I look at what I do and what good it does, the word "glory" does not make an appearance. I feel like I'm just kind floating along without purpose. My husband has a book I'm supposed to read about the purpose-driven life or something about the work I love. I can't find the motivation to even start these books. For one, I doubt I'll find my purpose and two, he read them and still has the same job. I'm not opposed to him keeping his job. Actually I think it's quite good because I've become accustomed to our lifestyle.
I spend a lot of time wondering "what if?, less than I used to, but more than I should. I've accomplished nothing in my wondering, other than wasting time and making myself crazier. I'm thinking about where I'm going next. I'd like to do some kind of work that benefits people who don't suck. Non-profit stuff, maybe for kids or old folks. I don't have a lot of doubt, just an uncertainty as to how to maneuver to the next stage. Do I pick up the spider with a cup and a newspaper, sweep it out with a broom or go in bare-handed and risk the bite?
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