Logic and Emotion

First, there's what I know... I've learned that holding a grudge and being bitter only makes me tired and cranky, but the person I'm mad at is usually too stupid or self-absorbed to give a shit.  I've also learned that stressing over things I can't control is a waste of my time, makes me eat bad things late at night, keeps me from sleeping and gives me the BG's.  (tmi-- butterflies ) 

Second, there's what I feel... I'm an emotional person.  I'm not gonna go all Alexander Pope and tell you I feel more than other people, but I freely admit that I feel stuff and I can't help but show it.  I laugh right out loud, I cry at the drop of a hat, I get so mad that I get physically hot and start sweating.

Sometimes I have trouble with what I know conflicting with what I feel.  Yesterday was my baby's birthday.  Do you think his daddy so much as called him on the phone?  Do you think he's so much as called him since he moved in with whoever he thinks he's in love with this week?   I know I brought him into this family and he's very charming at times and most of you buy into it being genuine.  I'm not sure if he's on drugs or what.  He stopped showing up at the job Kris got him.  Several months ago, he said good-bye to his son through the bathroom door and lied about going back to Indiana.  One of the Cubscout parents saw him walking in our neighborhood not too long ago and asked me how he's doing.  His parents called me to ask about him.  I tell them all the truth.  I don't know.  For months now he's decided to treat me like I don't exist, screw Kris over on the money he owes her and forget about the fact that he has a son...except to show people pictures of how he used to pretend to be a good father.

And I'm sure one of you will go running to him and tell him these things I think.  I won't mention names, though he tells me when you go behind my back to him.  I don't know why he thinks that gives him merit.  Disloyalty is depressing, but I know the fact that he's funny and likes to be the center of attention is more important to some of you than the fact that I'm your family.  It's true that I don't say anything about his retarded ass that I wouldn't say to him, but I'd just as soon not deal with him at all.

I know that I can't control what he does, or doesn't do.  I know eventually he'll figure out a piece of ass is not more important than his child.  I know that at some point, he'll look back at his empty life and wish he had memories of his son.  I know that Alex will figure out his father is an asshole without me saying a word.  I know I am powerless to change any of these things, but it wears me out nonetheless.  It makes me mad and sad and frustrated.   If Alex had to  depend on his father to provide for him, he would have starved to death homeless and naked a long time ago. 

I will continue raising my son as well as I can.  I will take comfort in the fact that he's a fabulous kid and I couldn't imagine better.  He has me and his aunts and grandparents and cousins.  I know it...and I have a feeling he'll turn out more than great.